Naive.

I always wanted to be a writer but I han´t enough balls to fight for it and when I had, it was kind of late late; it´s hard not to have the support or money enough for such a dream coming of a broke family. The economy in this country can put you years in a high position and others to nothing. God bless capitalism. Anyway I ended up being a success engineer with a successful job and quite linguist capabilities…My life, as yours, is full of complications, but I think sometimes I put more drama than I should, it seems like I´m full of emotions instead of brain, when the human being became in emotions?

It was hard to know that plus I´m a nostalgic person, I like my own sex, fuck, that complicates all, is not that I´m not happy with what I am but, I´ve always questioned this condition, I really like girls but I can´t fall in love with them, such a tragedy. I´ve always started my histories changing the name of my lovers to her instead of him. One once told me that he wasn’t happy with that version but truth be told, deep inside of me I wanted to be like that, girl instead of a boy. Years has passed and the idea of being gay turns out not that complicated. All is complicated but this.

I´m a very handsome guy but I don’t thing I´m living the right moment, I should feel in the top of the world but I feel like I´m living in the top of nothing, success means nothing for me when is Sunday afternoon. I read my books in all languages I understand but means nothing.

I have this friend that I figured out is bulimic and when I confronted her, she let me know all kind of sadness that every human being some day sooner or later feels. I felt her but not so deep, when I ´m nostalgic I never feel the need of die, she feels all the time, she vomit emotions, she makes me think I want all but die. I can’t help her, someone that doesn’t ask for help only will consume you from beneath, it is better to take distance.

It´s hilarious but I feel all the time like I´m living a fucking Disney tale, as if in my childhood some evil bitch put a spell over me saying something like “you´ll never meet the right guy because of your nostalgic shit, it will eats you from beneath, for beneath it will devours you”… Then, I think that the spell means nothing because I´ve meet a couple of guys that made me believe in humanity again, unfortunately I´m not prepared to take their hands and deep inside they aren´t ready to take mine either but when I saw their eyes, I saw their souls and they saw mine, that scared them man! I can tell. But  as they were not brave enough, I´ll still looking for my prince, my olympic god; I´ve killed enough demons to be one of them, I´m a god in my way and I need my complement, one of my same path, one of my same thoughts, one of my same feelings, a real man forged by pain and released by happiness and love.

I´m smiling right now seeing the blue Varadero´s Cuba sea, thinking that HE will come form the sea. #naive

Sunday 25/09/2016

Coldbudy.

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